I'm spending the last day of the year reflecting. Asking myself some important questions:
How was I a wife in 2013? I fussed at Mark too often...but I also think I loved him more. Maybe it was a tad forced, but we spent more time together. Just the two of us. Nights together...watching movies, drinking hot chocolate, and cuddling. Maybe I could have been (or pretended to be) more interested when he talked endlessly about football, natural gas stock, or accounting. But we have different interests...and we both get that.
How was I as a mother in 2013? Guilt ridden! I hated that about myself, but I felt guilty almost every minute I spent away from Al. It's something I'm working on, and books like "Lean In" are giving me some perspective. Like, when Sheryl Sandberg says "guilt management can be just as important as time management for mothers", she is spot on. Whether you are working full time or staying home with your kids full time, the guilt will always be there. The important thing is to manage it and not let it consume you (ok...ME).
Honestly though, I know I'm doing ok as a mom. Al is developing fine, and he's a happy and loving little guy.
How was I as a daughter in 2013? I hope better than any previous year. Becoming a mother has changed the way I view my mom and dad. I'm still their daughter...which means I still ask more of them than they would ever ask of me...but maybe we are getting closer to 50/50? I did try to make the time I spent with my parents and in-laws more meaningful and focused.
How was I as a sister in 2013? It's hard to say. Valerie and I were both so busy being mothers in 2013. She was better about helping me in little ways: a shared meal here or an errand there. I tried to return her kindness by taking more pictures of her sweet family and checking on Patton when she was away.
How was I as a friend in 2013? Truthfully, it probably depends on who you ask. My friend group has always been very close...putting a lot of time into each other. It's rare and special, and I know I'm very lucky. But sometimes I wonder if the expectations become too much. I expected them to carve time out for me and Al...and do things that were "Al friendly". It doesn't always happen that way...and most activities don't end at 7pm (when Al goes to bed). On the other hand, they want me to do the same things I've always done, but can't always fit into my schedule anymore. I worry that they see this as "my things are more important than their things...". I've never felt that way. I just have someone who relies on me 24/7...and that does change things.
I hope if you ask my "mom" friends, they would have only positive things to say. We have more in common than ever before. I hope I've provided a sympathetic ear, advice, a second home, a playmate for their kid(s)...all the things they have given me.
How was I as an employee in 2013? Sigh...not who I wanted to be. If I was actually at work, I was distracted. Women are still fighting to be taken seriously in their careers, and I'm doing the bare minimum. I used to want to work part-time, and that was always my excuse. Why would I over-exert myself now if I'm going to reduce my hours (and options) one day? But I'm not sure I want that anymore. Recently, I've felt an urge to keep pressing on and excelling. So, in 2014, I want to put more of myself into my job. Not more time...just more focused time.
I'm getting excited. A new year holds new opportunity...and I want to be my best self in 2014.