One Year Ago, The Time in Between, & Today

One Year Ago:

One year ago yesterday, I left the gym in a panic after seeing signs of a miscarriage.  I called my doctor on the way home, and she helped me make an appointment to check on everything in the morning.  When Mark got home I explained the situation, and he comforted me as I mourned the life I was already sure we had lost.

The next morning, a silent ultrasound confirmed what I suspected...at 10 weeks, we had lost our future child/little girl/fetus/embryo - it's hard to find the right word(s).  I elected to have a D&C surgery that afternoon and was sent home that evening.

It was weird having everything "taken care of" in less than 24 hours and was difficult to deal with the emotions of losing something I never really had but so desperately wanted.


The Time in Between:

The time in between that day and today hasn't been perfect.  I haven't been perfect.  I watched other people get pregnant and deliver healthy babies.  I thought of some of the mothers as "deserving" for various reasons...perhaps they had trouble getting pregnant or had suffered their own miscarriages.  It was the other group that I struggled with...the "oops" group and the "that was easy" group.

When my sister, Valerie, fell into the "that was easy" group, it hurt my heart.  But when my mom told me that Valerie was nervous to tell me she was pregnant, I realized that I wasn't the only person hurting.  I knew my sister felt almost guilty and didn't want to cause me anymore pain.  Her selflessness helped me realized how deserving she was, along with the other moms who loved their children whether they came easily or not.


Today:

Yesterday, I went to the doctor for a 33 week appointment.  Everything seems to be progressing well, and our little one is expected to be here on Christmas Day (though, I wouldn't mind if he picked another day)

I also spent the day with my new nephew, James.  He's a beautiful baby and I feel so much love whenever I'm around him.

 








It's incredible the difference a year can make.