Stopping to Breathe

I finally have a slow day at work, and I'm trying to remember what it feels like to breathe.  So far, it's just been one of those years.

A GOOD year, filled with:  first words, a growing toddler, wedding showers, baby showers, bachelorette parties, new babies, weddings, beach trips, 30th birthdays, an anticipated pregnancy announcement, increased work responsibilities...  I don't even think that covers everything!

But, with the good, there was also some bad: a crippling snow storm, 30th birthdays (the fact that this is on both lists requires no explanation), too many stomach bugs, arguments, untimely rain, health issues for friends, losses, frustrations, best friends moving away, more time spent at work, pure exhaustion...

I'm already looking back, thinking, I wish I had been more present.  I wish I had spent more time in each of these moments, even the bad.  I've been so worried about just swimming that I've forgotten to enjoy the view.  And the view is beautiful.  

Beautiful toddler smiles and wet kisses.
Beautiful brides and their lucky grooms.
Beautiful snow and stories of hospitality.
Beautiful white sand and time with just family.
Beautiful growing bellies and tiny hands.
Beautiful friendships and ever-changing relationships.

But maybe, sometimes, it takes looking back to really see the beauty.

I don't typically quote the Bible here.  My life, my beliefs, my relationship with God, and my relationship with the church don't always align in a way that makes sense to me.  It seems easier to just compartmentalize.  But I remembered an old hymn and it's accompanying verse:
"He makes all things beautiful in its time..." -Ecclesiastes 3:11a

Maybe, just maybe, that's what's really going on in these moments.  Maybe some are already beautiful, but maybe others just need a little time-a little hindsight, a new perspective, and a chance to breathe.

One

It's not to late to blog about Al's First Birthday, right??

Good.

First of all, this little guy is WALKING! 

He took his first steps the week before his birthday, even though our doctor warned us that he would be at least 14 months before he walked (based on when he started crawling).  But little guy had some tricks up his sleeve...and who wants to crawl when you are so close to walking anyways?

He's not a talker though.  Well, not a real talker; he'll babble to anyone who will listen though.  And he will call. you. out.!  He is a pointer...and he isn't afraid to give you a "how dare you tell me 'no' look".

This year, we celebrated his birthday with just family.  I figured this is the only time I'll be able to get away with something so small and intimate.  He wasn't much for gift-wrap, but he LOVED everything inside:

Someone else enjoyed Al's new toys too:

And he was a big fan of his cupcakes:

We are sooo in love with this little person!



Reflect and Renew

I'm spending the last day of the year reflecting.  Asking myself some important questions:

How was I a wife in 2013?  I fussed at Mark too often...but I also think I loved him more.  Maybe it was a tad forced, but we spent more time together.  Just the two of us.  Nights together...watching movies, drinking hot chocolate, and cuddling.  Maybe I could have been (or pretended to be) more interested when he talked endlessly about football, natural gas stock, or accounting.  But we have different interests...and we both get that.

How was I as a mother in 2013?  Guilt ridden!  I hated that about myself, but I felt guilty almost every minute I spent away from Al.  It's something I'm working on, and books like "Lean In" are giving me some perspective.  Like, when Sheryl Sandberg says "guilt management can be just as important as time management for mothers", she is spot on.  Whether you are working full time or staying home with your kids full time, the guilt will always be there.  The important thing is to manage it and not let it consume you (ok...ME).
Honestly though, I know I'm doing ok as a mom.  Al is developing fine, and he's a happy and loving little guy. 

How was I as a daughter in 2013?  I hope better than any previous year.  Becoming a mother has changed the way I view my mom and dad.  I'm still their daughter...which means I still ask more of them than they would ever ask of me...but maybe we are getting closer to 50/50?  I did try to make the time I spent with my parents and in-laws more meaningful and focused.

How was I as a sister in 2013?  It's hard to say.  Valerie and I were both so busy being mothers in 2013.  She was better about helping me in little ways: a shared meal here or an errand there.  I tried to return her kindness by taking more pictures of her sweet family and checking on Patton when she was away.

How was I as a friend in 2013?  Truthfully, it probably depends on who you ask.  My friend group has always been very close...putting a lot of time into each other.  It's rare and special, and I know I'm very lucky.  But sometimes I wonder if the expectations become too much.  I expected them to carve time out for me and Al...and do things that were "Al friendly".  It doesn't always happen that way...and most activities don't end at 7pm (when Al goes to bed).  On the other hand, they want me to do the same things I've always done, but can't always fit into my schedule anymore.  I worry that they see this as "my things are more important than their things...".  I've never felt that way.  I just have someone who relies on me 24/7...and that does change things. 

I hope if you ask my "mom" friends, they would have only positive things to say.  We have more in common than ever before.  I hope I've provided a sympathetic ear, advice, a second home, a playmate for their kid(s)...all the things they have given me.

How was I as an employee in 2013?  Sigh...not who I wanted to be.  If I was actually at work, I was distracted.  Women are still fighting to be taken seriously in their careers, and I'm doing the bare minimum.  I used to want to work part-time, and that was always my excuse.  Why would I over-exert myself now if I'm going to reduce my hours (and options) one day?  But I'm not sure I want that anymore.  Recently, I've felt an urge to keep pressing on and excelling.  So, in 2014, I want to put more of myself into my job.  Not more time...just more focused time.

I'm getting excited.  A new year holds new opportunity...and I want to be my best self in 2014.

Balance

Last Sunday night, Mark and I dropped off Al at my moms so we could enjoy a nice dinner together.  We had only been at the restaurant for 5 minutes when Mark confessed, "I miss Al!"

Maybe it's a phase.  Maybe Mark won't feel this way during Al's "terrible twos", potty training, or puberty.  Maybe he didn't even feel that way this morning when Al was fussing at him on the way to daycare.  But, Sunday, Mark missed Al.

I've told Mark before that I want to work less...and spend more time at home with Al.  Turns out, my very "corporate" husband feels the same way.  He doesn't want to quit his job or stop climbing the corporate ladder, but he does want to spend more than 1-2 hours each day with his baby boy.

It's hard...finding balance.  Working hard to teach your children discipline, the value of earning their own money, and the pride that comes from completing a task.  We both want that for Al.  And, I'm excited that he will see all sides.  In addition to Mark and myself, Al will also have other great examples in his life:
-A grandfather who started his own company and worked harder than most people can imagine to make it as an entrepreneur.
-A grandmother who taught for 10 years before taking time off to help her husband's business grow and raise her children.
-Another grandmother who worked as a single parent most of her life, sometimes working 2 or 3 jobs while raising 3 boys.
-An uncle who has sacrificed to have a job that is meaningful to him, and something he truly enjoys (while also serving our country in his "free" time).
-An aunt who tries to do everything for everyone and sacrifices so she can be a "stay-at-home" mother and wife.

What amazing examples of sacrifice, hard work, and love!

But sometimes it's hard to be those examples.  You start to wonder what you're working for...money to buy expensive presents and trips?  Or are we working to be examples and give Al every opportunity we can?

We want these things, but we both also want Al to remember US playing with him.  That it was mom and dad who picked him up and kissed him after his first fall, his first steps, his first words, and his first...everything.

Maybe we will never feel like we are "there".  But maybe it's more about the climb (shout out to Miley).  The effort to do everything you can for the people in your life.  To feel like you "miss" someone even though you realize you need to do things for yourself too.  Maybe that is balance.

New Camera + Chattanooga

I knew once I had Al that I would need a new camera.  My old camera worked perfectly fine for taking pictures of Mark and me...since we know how to be still and smile.  Al...not so much!

Luckily, my work offers "reward points" for logging workouts, getting a yearly physical, taking the stairs, etc.  Then, you can redeem those points for gift cards or merchandise.  Well folks, I've been saving mine since 2010, so I was able to REALLY take advantage.  Let me introduce you to "Ansel":

(As captured by my iPhone...who will now be taking a backseat)

This little guy is much more impressive in person and with the lens attached.  So, yes, free camera.  Now I just need to learn to use him.

First camera trip = Chattanooga, for my cousin's wedding:

I had WAY too much fun capturing those two playing together.  Adorable!

All about Al

In the past few months, Al has taken his first trips to:

The beach

The mountains (no pictures since the trip was a bit of a disaster...there's always next time)

The zoo

The pool

The park

We have also started:

Sitting up

Eating solids (baby food).  We are trying to move to some "table" foods (puffs and cheerios), but he's been so congested that he can't handle it.  Little one has some sensitive gag reflexes, and I end up wearing his food.

And talking!  If "dadadadada" counts!  I correct him every time.  "No, Al.  It's 'mamamama'".  Sweet Nanny is totally on my side with this one.

Other than being sick ALL the time, Al is so easy-going.  We took him to a friend's house for his first Bama game, and he sat on the floor and played with cups for the entire first half.  Only made a few happy squeals (which didn't come close to matching the yelling that this crowd can do).

People love to ask if he's crawling yet.  Since he didn't sit-up until about 7 months, I'm expecting this to be delayed too.  Truth: He's a bit lazy.  Second truth: He gets it from his momma.  If he can't reach a toy, he just goes after another.  People say this is a blessing...the longer I can keep him from being mobile, the better.  And, since we've established that I'm a bit lazy too, this is probably true.

So keep "chillin'" little one, we'll get there when we're both ready.

25 Random Facts (Part 3)

11)  I am almost always in the process of reading 3 books.  The first is usually an audio book.  I prefer something educational, philosophical, etc.  I like that I can listen to it in the car and let my mind wander a bit.  The second is usually a book club pick or something fictional that I enjoy.  And the third is almost always something I've been reading for months...and typically loathe.  Most of the last category end up being books that I appreciate and am glad I finished.  Which is why I continue reading them...at a snails pace.

12) I love to dance, but I'm terrible at it.  This is not like my singing, which I know is not great, but is also not offensive.  My dancing is offensive.  I used to take dance lessons and fake an injury before each recital until my ballet teacher told me that I could just PLAN to not be in the recital.  So I would enjoy dance classes for months and then casually excuse myself when it came time to learn the recital number.
Now, my favorite show is "So You Think You Can Dance".  My DVR is filled with the episodes that I refuse to delete and watch multiple times.

13)  I have no decorating/design skills.  The irony is that my job title is technically "designer".  (Obviously the two are unrelated)

14)  I really like beer, but could do without wine or liquor.

15)  Most of the things that I would change about myself, physically, are things that I COULD change (at least to an extent) if I were less of a glutton and a little less lazy.  So, I've tried to stop complaining about them and focus on my pale skin instead.